Introducing: The Awesome! 1
This product is simply so awesome that we had to call it Awesome. The name Awesome stands for Apple-compatible Wonderful External Storage Omniscience & Mobilish Electicity. 2
The Awesome was inspired by the introduction of the USB-C port on the new MacBook, when Apple once again raised the bar for new ports for the Mac. 3
Most long-time Mac users have a plethora of old storage devices laying around gathering dust, including CD’s, DVD’s, SD cards, hard drives, ex-wives 4 and so forth. PowerMax comes to the rescue with the most awesome amazing device ever invented in the history of computing. 5
The Way It Works
First, you simply connect your new MacBook 6 to the Awesome through the USB-C port (cable sold separately). Then, all you have to do is plug in whatever storage device you have to the Awesome and then it will be instantly connected to the Awesome because you used a cable to plug in to it! It’s that simple… and awesome! 7
You won’t find any scrimping here. Do you have 5 or 6 old USB drives? No problem! How about a half dozen aging Thunderbolt devices? The Awesome rides to the rescue! Connect ‘em all, and so many more, especially since many of these devices will also daisy chain! Our preliminary tests had 89 different devices hooked up to one computer, but we ran out of bench space and power! 7
Here’s a list of all the ports the Awesome features:
• USB 2.0 ports: 6
• USB 3.0 ports: 6
• USB Mini ports: 4
• FireWire 400 ports: 4
• FireWire 800 ports: 4
• Thunderbolt ports: 6
• Ethernet ports: 1
• HDMI ports: 2
• SD family of ports: 3
• DVD/RW SuperDrive: 1
• Credit card slot: 1
• The PowerMax exclusive “Slots o’ fun” Plate for assorted SD cards
• Kensington Lock port: 1
• Total number of dots: 14
We even included a floppy disk slot (don’t tell us you don’t still have a box of old floppies laying around), and a SCSI port (the same goes for all of those old SCSI hard drives… just think of all the fun you can have poring through all of that old data!)
In addition, we’ve also added the most awesomest additional trio of buttons ever placed on an external storage/hub device: the exclusive “Fame” buttons! Just click the FaceBook, Twitter or Instagram buttons and the Awesome will search through all the attached storage devices and automatically post on those sites the most flattering and awesome picture it can find of you! 8 Conversely, if you hold the patented green Infame Button down while simultaneously pressing any one of the Fame Buttons, it will post the most unflattering and embarrassing picture it can find, using our patented Ohmigod You Didn’t Actually Do That Photo-Search Algorithm. 9
But that’s not all! PowerMax has also added the most awesome addition to the Awesome you can imagine… that’s right, we’ve also added our patented Awesome Speaker System! If you look closely, you’ll see two main speakers near the top of the Awesome, Speaker 1 and Speaker 2. But if you look even closer, you’ll see eight mini-speakers, two on each corner of the Awesome. Each of these eight mini-speakers is designed to handle one separate note of music at a time! But when you combine their Patented Cacophony™ with Speaker 1 and Speaker 2, you end up with a sound like you’ve never heard before! It’s like a symphony on steroids! 10
But that’s still not all! The Awesome also includes the most inventive slot ever added to a storage/hub system… the Awesome Bankcard Slot! Now, whenever you shop on the internet and you find yourself in the credit card field, just slip your credit card into the Awesome Bankcard Slot, enter your 16 digit credit card number into the field, and voila! The site now has your credit card number! 11
The Awesome is not only awesome, but coming in at only 13.5 kilograms, the Awesome is awesomely portable too! 12
1 Cue the Lego song here.
2 We had to make up a few new words just to emphasize how awesome the Awesome is! And yes, that’s electicicity, not electricity. As in very eclectic. Which means lots of sources… ity.
3 You don’t actually have to raise a bar to use the USB-C port. And actually, if we’re being honest here, the Awesome was actually inspired by the April 1st holiday.
4 Ex-husbands as well, just so you know we’re not sexist, but it would’ve made that sentence too long. We’ve actually found that these footnotes allow us to say pretty much anything we want, in any length we want, because no one actually ever reads them. Your pet is ugly. Ha! See? We can get away with anything!
5 The opinions stated here are for promotional purposes only, and may not be demonstrable by any particular function, reality or legal backing whatsoever. 5A
5A I.E. don’t sue us if you don’t agree.
6 This device only works with the new MacBook and its USB-C port. At least we think it does since that MacBook wasn’t shipping by the time the Chinese factory completed our first 476,000 units of the Awesome. God, we hope these sell. The price may drop quickly if they don’t, but hey, we didn’t tell you that here.
7 Actual content of any particular device is not warranted or guaranteed to actually display on the computer’s screen. You may need to plug it in directly to the computer for that to happen.
8 PowerMax is not responsible for the actual content of selected images. If you get upset at whatever’s posted, maybe you shouldn’t have been in that picture, eh?
9 If we need a caveat for the great pictures, do you think we’d have anything different to say about the embarrassing ones?9A
9A BTW, all the pictures in this category are automatically sent to our servers for further review on Friday nights when we’re sitting around drinking margaritas. Users of the Awesome certify their acceptance of this issue upon plugging the device in, and assign all rights and privileges to PowerMax and its assigns. All rights reserved. All lefts a little less so.
10 PowerMax does not endorse the use of steroids for musical enhancement.
11 Not compatible with Apple Pay. Also may not work with Visa, Mastercard, Discover or American Express.
12 Listed in KG to obfuscate the actual weight for most Americans.