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Articles: Top Ten Predictions for Apple, Microsoft and Everything Else in 2010

1. Apple will introduce a computing tablet of some sort sometime during the year, although the backlog will continue into 2011.However, it will disappoint some because it won’t allow people to just sleep all day while it does all the work, or make their coffee, or turn into a magic carpet... but, it will be a surprise hit because it does the one thing everyone wants to have done but no one knew what that was until Apple showed them.

2. Apple will introduce new and faster Macs of every flavor throughout the year, and a certain percentage of those who bought a Mac sometime during the preceding six months will be upset because they feel “ripped off.” John J. Peterman of Des Moines, Iowa steps forward and announces he’s the smartest man in the country because he bought a 128k Mac when it first came out and he’s been holding out for an upgrade ever since... hence never ever getting ripped off by ending up with a faster computer that is upgraded within a matter of months. Unfortunately, his campaign for President fizzles because he can’t access the internet or send emails with it.

3. Microsoft will announce work on the successor to Windows 7, dubbing it “Windows Agua” because the company has already used numbers, dates, landscapes and unrelated letters, but never a foreign word, in its Windows naming schemes. No one wonders why Microsoft has such a hard time counting to 8.

4. We will find out that Steve Jobs didn’t really have a liver transplant at all, but that in fact he is a time-traveling alien, and the real Steve’s liver is in fact the only actual body part that’s still in the body, because the aliens could never figure out how to duplicate the function of a liver. The stock will rise on the news, especially because it will explain how Steve seems to always know what the public wants before the public does.

5. Near the end of 2010, when Microsoft notices that Apple is receiving a lot of hype over its tablet, it will announce that it too is working on a tablet, dubbed NotanAppleTabletButClose 2012-7.5.

6. Microsoft’s retail stores will continue to expand, in some cases popping up inside Apple’s retail stores, as greedy and struggling mall owners accept the additional revenue offered by Microsoft to allow them to build titanium-tipped elevators beneath the floors. Unfortunately for Microsoft, not all of the elevators work because they were designed to be operated by Windows Vista. In addition, some of the elevators end up inside Victoria’s Secrets, which scatters all sorts of embarrassed sunglass-wearing men throughout the malls. Fortunately for Microsoft, consumers discover that Windows 7 actually looks pretty damn cute in lingerie.

7. Google attempts to take control of the country with a surprise paramilitary and technological assault on the White House. Even though the coup is thwarted and the perpetrators made public, the government elects not to punish the company out of fear that no one would ever be able find anything on the internet ever again.

8. Apple introduces iGlasses, which are just regular glasses re-spelled, but they’re a huge hit because, well, the name is the thing.

9. The economy continues to struggle throughout the year, until Apple agrees to purchase Congress and half the White House, seeing as how its earnings are twice the rest of the country’s GNP. iCongress and iObama quickly enact legislation banning hidden elevator retail stores, as well as the Zune. They are reluctant to ban Windows despite Apple’s pressure, out of fear that too many businesses would never be able to find anything on the internet ever again.

10. James Cameron reveals that the aliens in his hit movie Avatar were modeled after the aliens who abducted and replaced Steve Jobs. It is later revealed that Cameron is one of them too. No one cares because they’re all still busy syncing their Macs, iPhones and the new Apple tablets. Meantime, Google conquers Iceland, but no one notices.
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